Frayed Suspension of Disbelief
by Briar Elwood
Summary: SG-1 has some interesting encounters with some familiar characters...
1. European or African?

_A/N: In the Sep/Oct 2006 issue of the official Stargate magazine there is an interview with Michael Shanks. Something he said inspired this. "I think that there is a strong risk of going too cheesy…if you're going to get 12 villagers clacking coconuts together, you start to go 'Ooh, we may have frayed suspension of disbelief on this one…'."_

_Clackclack_

_Clackclack_

Clackclack

"Holy crap…" Cam whispered.

"I second that," Daniel agreed.

"Good day fair friends!" the strange man greeted, tipping his helmet at the team. "I am on the Quest for the Holy Grail. Would you care to join me?"

"Um…Sam started awkwardly. "We've already got one."

Cameron snorted back a laugh. The man frowned, his large mustache drooping slightly.

"You do, do you? Pity." He brightened suddenly. "Well, in that case, I have another question."

"Yes?" Sam prodded.

"What," the man said dramatically, "is the velocity of an unladden swallow?"

Immediately, Vala jumped forward, a huge grin on her face.

"What do you mean; European or African?"

_A/N: I love reviewers and live for constructive criticism!_


	2. Hamsters and Elderberries

"I-is that what I think it is?" Cameron asked slowly.

"A French Goa'uld?" Daniel suggested. "I think so."

"You silly English k-nnnnnn-ig-its!"

"Actually, we're American explorers," Sam corrected. "Well, plus a Jaffa and ex-space pirate."

"I wave my private parts at your aunties!"

"Now, that's not nice," Cam reprimanded.

"I fart in your general direction!"

"That's just plain disgusting," Daniel commented.

"Your mother was a hamster and your father smelled of elderberries!"

"Actually, that's kinda true," Vala said thoughtfully.

_A/N: I love reviewers and live for constructive criticism!_


	3. Ni?

"_Wasn't he one of the Knights who says "Ni"?" –Cameron Mitchell, Morpheus_

"Ni! Ni! Ni!"

"That's not Sir Gawain, is it?" Cam asked, backing away slightly.

"Uh…no," Daniel said. Vala's eyes assessed the extremely tall knight.

"He's kinda ugly," she commented.

"Find us a shrubbery!"

Sam pointed to a plant in the forest. "There's one right there."

The knight paused, frowning at the shrubbery. "Well, then. You must cut down the tallest tree in the forest with…a herring!"

"It is impossible," Teal'c pointed out. The knight froze.

"What did you just say?"

Cam grinned. "He said '_It_ is impossible'."

"Ah! Don't say that word!"

"How 'bout," Vala suggested, "Ecky-ecky-ecky-p'tang-zu-poing-mumblemumble?"

The knight looked at her oddly for a second, before brightening suddenly. "Yes! We are no longer the Knights who say 'Ni!', we are now the Knights who say 'Ecky-ecky-ecky-p'tang-zu-poing-mumblemumble!'"

_A/N: I love reviewers and live for constructive criticism!_


	4. I Feel Happy!

"Daniel…" Vala whispered as a line of bald men with brown robes passed. "What are they?" She jumped when the men suddenly hit their foreheads with a board.

"I think they're Ori monks," Daniel whispered back. Vala frowned.

"Are they…singing?"

"Chanting," Daniel corrected.

"Monks do not generally hit themselves, correct?" Teal'c made sure. Cameron was on his knees, doubled-over in laughter.

"No…" he gasped. "No they don't."

"Bring out yer dead!"

The team whirled around to see a man pushing a cart full of… dead bodies. Sam wrinkled her nose.

"Ew…"

"I'm not dead!"

The team looked to where the desperate voice was coming from. A man was carrying an old, twiggy guy, who was flailing his arms and legs.

"But you will be soon!"

"I feel _happy!_" the old man exclaimed, his voice jumping an octave.

"_I_ don't," Daniel muttered.

_A/N: I love reviewers and live for constructive criticism!_


	5. Tim and Teeth

"So…what's your name?" Cam asked, eyeing the man with ram horns.

"Some call me," the man answered dramatically, "Tim."

Vala snorted, clapping a hand to her mouth.

"Beware! There is a monster; dreadful and deadly…with _big, sharp, pointy teeth_!" Tim put two hooked fingers in front of his mouth and jabbed at the team with them. Vala bit back another laugh.

XxXxX

"It's a rabbit," Daniel stated.

"It's kinda cute, actually," Vala commented, stepping out from behind the rocks.

"No!" Tim cried. "It will—"

Suddenly, the white rabbit attacked. Vala fell, hard, onto her butt, catching the animal in her hands. She grinned and stroked its fur. The fangs disappeared and the rabbit seemed to smile, rubbing itself against her cheek.

"Heavens above!" Tim exclaimed.

"She tamed the killer rabbit…" Cam whispered reverently.

_A/N: I love reviewers and live for constructive criticism!_


	6. Pansies

"Oh, not _this_ guy," Cam mumbled. A knight dressed completely black stood in the team's way. With a roll of his eyes, Cam grabbed a sword that just happened to be sitting on the ground beside him and attacked. It wasn't too long before he lobbed off one of the Black Knight's limbs.

"'Tis just a flesh wound!" the knight exclaimed as Cameron started to walk past.

"He cut your arm off!" Vala yelled back, enjoying herself immensely. However, Cam was forced into continuing the fight when the knight attacked him. Soon, the knight had absolutely no limbs left and Cam motioned for the others to follow him across the bridge that the Black Knight had been guarding.

"Come back 'ere you pansies!" they could hear the knight screaming. "I'll bite chor kneecaps off!"

_A/N: I love reviewers and live for constructive criticism!_


	7. WITCH!

"Where's Vala?" Daniel whispered to Sam. Suddenly a hoard of villagers came bustling down the street.

"Witch! Witch! Witch! We found a WITCH!"

The team walked over to where the crowd was walking to see what the fuss was about. In the middle of the crowd and being pushed forward to an authoritative looking man, was… _Vala_. She looked very annoyed and had a plastic nose strapped over her face.

"I'm not a witch!" Vala protested, pushing away the grips of the villagers. Daniel sighed. "They dressed me up like this!"

Cam frowned at the peasants, obviously trying hard not to laugh. "Did you dress her up?"

The villagers glanced at each other. "We gave her the nose…"

"There are ways of telling whether she is a witch," the authoritative looking man proclaimed.

"Are there? Oh well, tell us," Daniel demanded, sounding exasperated.

"Tell me. What do you do with witches?"

"Burn them," one of the peasants replied enthusiastically.

"And what do you burn, apart from witches?"

"More witches!"

"Wood," Teal'c replied.

"Good. Now, why do witches burn?"

"...Because they're made of... wood?" another peasant tried. Sam coughed.

"Good. So how do you tell whether she is made of wood?"

Daniel looked incredulous.

"Build a bridge out of her!" the first peasant replied with gusto. Both Daniel and Sam coughed.

"But can you not also build bridges out of stone?" the man pointed out.

"Oh yeah." The peasant looked down put.

"Does wood sink in water?"

"No, no, it floats! It floats! Throw her into the pond!" the peasant exclaimed, eyes bright.

"No, no. What else floats in water?"

Suddenly a flurry of answers rose up from the crowd.

"Bread!"

"Apples!"

"Very small rocks!"

"Cider!"

"Gravy!"

"Cherries!"

"Mud!"

"Churches!"

"Lead! Lead!"

"A duck," Cam yelled through hysterical laughter. The man looked at him admiringly.

"Exactly. So, logically…"

"I don't see what's logical about _any_ of this," Daniel muttered.

"If she weighed the same as a duck…she's made of wood," the first peasant concluded slowly.

"So, therefore…" the man prodded.

"A WITCH!"

Vala growled.

_A/N: I love reviewers and live for constructive criticism!_


End file.
